The July prompt for our memoir writing group came from Susan. “What is the best advice anyone has ever given you?” When I received Leigh Anne's family prompt for SJT, I decided to revisit this unfinished piece of writing since much of it revolves around family and friends (found family).
I spent a bit of time musing over this question. I always find it hard to answer questions that begin with “What is the BEST….?” How can I decide? It taps right into my indecisive personality. So I’ll share several bits of advice that popped into my head as I meandered through my memories, in search of the BEST advice. They come mostly from family, but also from friends, those wonderful people who become our chosen family.
My dad’s famous saying, “Can’t never did anything,” popped into my mind immediately. Also, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, again.” And this oft repeated saying, “Be careful of the words you say to keep them soft and sweet. You never know from day to day which ones you’ll have to eat”.
And then I think of the big three that Sara remembers from her dad and included in her freshman year memoir for Mrs. Sayers’ class:
1. “Be careful who you marry.”
When we watched movies or TV shows, he would insert this advice at opportune times to remind us that who you marry has long lasting influence on the rest of your life.
2. “Plan your work and work your plan.”
This advice from Dad, an inveterate planner, encourages us to get started on projects early or reprimands us if we’re running behind.
3. Dad believes we can do anything because . . .
“You’re a Behnke!”
We visited Lance’s Nebraska friends, Chuck and Nancy Larsen, on some of our trips to visit Lance’s family. Nancy was still teaching at the time. She always provided lovely meals for large groups of people. I connected easily with Nancy and not just because we are both teachers. I remember her three pieces of wisdom because I wrote them on a sticky note and tucked them inside my cupboard. They made the move from Houston to Seattle, but I haven’t found them since our move to NC. Here are Nancy’s maxims for living which have guided me through several decades.
!. I did the best I could at the time.
2. Life is too short. Tomorrow is another day.
3. This too shall pass.
The advice that my husband, Lance, has given me most frequently comes from a talk given by our friend, Rod Larsen, “Be a willow.” It’s good advice for me since I can be rather rigid at times. Be a willow reminds me to bend and be flexible.
Another invaluable piece of advice came from my husband as my mother was nearing the last few months of her life. He encouraged us to get my Mom’s name on the waiting list for a nursing home. I couldn’t see that this would ever be necessary since I wanted to keep Mom in her home. However, our distance from her, our young family, and her medical needs precluded this from happening. It was thanks to Lance’s advice that we were able to provide the best care possible for her final weeks in a care facility with loving staff .
The BEST advice ever given to me came from Lance during this same time when we were living in Houston. We had just returned from a date night (a rare occurrence for us) when we received a call that my mother was in the hospital at St. Francis Hospital in Tulsa and would be facing surgery soon. I flew to Oklahoma for the surgery and ended up staying through Thanksgiving. All four of the siblings were there when Mom went in for surgery. Lance drove Blake and Sara to Kansas by himself for our planned Thanksgiving holiday with his family. Mom’s surgery for an intestinal blockage resulted in a colostomy and a diagnosis of advanced colorectal cancer. Her medical professionals decided to keep her comfortable and to not treat her cancer. Following this devastating prognosis, Lance’s advice was to go home to McAlester, Oklahoma as often as possible. Even though it meant leaving Blake (age 6, in kindergarten) and Sara (age 4, at St. Paul’s preschool) in the care of many capable friends and babysitters while Lance was at work, I’ve never regretted the time I was able to spend with Mom during the next six months. and it was because Lance was supportive and encouraging of my spending as much time as possible in Oklahoma. I also owe a huge debt of gratitude to the many dear friends that made this time away possible. It’s a gift that has lasted through the years providing precious memories of the days Mom and I spent together.
